Wednesday night, Phillip Phillips won American Idol. Then, Thursday morning, after mentioning that at work, you realized nobody thinks you’re cool.
President Obama says many countries now have a “new feeling about America.” Specifically, the feeling you get when someone owes you billions of dollars.
All this week, Mitt Romney has continued campaigning despite having a cold. You can tell Romney isn’t feeling well, the other day he made eye contact with a common folk.
President Obama’s re-election campaign is now selling merchandise for pets. The most popular item is the Mitt Romney litter box.
Mark Zuckerberg changed his relationship status on Facebook to ‘married’ and it has since received over a million ‘likes.’ None of which are from his in-laws.
It’s being reported that Facebook will soon update its “timeline” feature. Now for the month of May 2012, Facebook’s profile will say “that time we fucked up.”
Since it went public, many people who work for Facebook have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. You shouldn’t feel too bad, those are just the interns.
The Los Angeles City Council has agreed to begin phasing out the use of plastic bags in grocery stores. Now they can get back to dealing with more important issues like murder.
That’s right, Los Angeles will soon begin “phasing out” the use of plastic bag. Hopefully, next they’ll begin phasing out the Kardashians.
A picture has surfaced of Bill Clinton posing with two porn stars. When ask why he agreed to take the picture, the former president said, “Because I’m Bill Clinton.”
After scoring in Madden ‘13 players will be able to do Tim Tebow’s signature move. Though apologizing and grabbing a towel has nothing to do with football.
A biography about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will be released next month. It’ll cover his time as governor all the way back to when he made Princess Leia his slave.
Due to record high heat, over 800 runners sought medical attention during the Boston Marathon. They were still able to complete the race before the first American.
In 2010, a record number 1,800 Americans renounced their citizenship in order to avoid paying taxes. Experts say that this year, the number will go up, now that people know they can do that.
It’s being reported that by the year 2022, 1 out of every 10 Americans could be on food stamps. They’re called people who major in theatre arts.
While defending his thoughts on President Obama, Ted Nugent said, “if the coyote’s in your living room pissing on your couch, it’s not the coyote’s fault. It’s your fault for not shooting it.” Nugent’s comments were deemed offensive, especially by his wife, a coyote.
Mitt Romney recently said that America is not divided based on success or wealth. Things got awkward when he added, “it’s divided between those who have car elevators in their garage and all them poor bitches.”
10 secret service agents have been reprimanded for allegedly hiring prostitutes during President Obama’s trip to Columbia. One was fired, three were suspended, and the rest were asked who they’d recommend for a “friend.”
On Tuesday, speaker of the house John Boehner officially endorsed Mitt Romney for president. After making the endorsement, Boehner went back to hibernating in his tanning bed.
While visiting a zoo in St. Louis, Newt Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. Gingrich called the penguin aggressive, violent, and a potential fourth wife.
This week, a hologram of Tupac Shakur performed at Coachella. Confirming reports that Shakur was indeed murdered by nerdy hipsters.
George Washington has been declared Britain’s greatest enemy of all time. Washington won the title by narrowly defeating the tooth brush.
A man in Colorado is currently trying out to be the first male cheerleader for the Denver Broncos. A spokesman for the organization said that, “now that the Jesus freak is gone we can all get back to being a tad queer.”
A researcher in Australia is predicting that by the year 2050 the most successful sex-for-pay workers will be robots. The researcher made the prediction while revealing to his parents how weird he is.
A mother of an 11 year old recently wrote an article in which she says that porn made her son go from a “beautiful boy into a hollow, self-hating shell.” The mom is being criticized for punishing her son for being completely normal.
A police officer in Texas recently shot and killed a dog while it was playing Frisbee with its owner because he felt threatened by it. In his defense, the dog was wearing a hoodie.
Rick Santorum says that he’ll win the primary in Pennsylvania, because the people of Pennsylvania can relate to someone who is never anyone’s favorite. As a result, Pennsylvanians are now having a difficult time deciding to vote for Mitt Romney or that dick Rick Santorum.
A number of Al-Qaeda’s websites have been offline for the past 11 days. Authorities believe that to keep their plans top secret, Al-Qaeda is now using a less popular website, MySpace.
Over half a million Mac computers have been infected with a virus called the Flashback Trojan. Experts say it’s a horrible virus to get because it forces you to remember that one time you really should’ve used a condom.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent all this week in Israel. Many Israelis told Christie that they were happy to see him but also really mad that he was blocking out the sun.
Matt Lauer has signed a new contract with NBC that will nearly double his salary from $17 million a year to $30 million. Lauer says he plans on using his raise to finally make Al Roker “disappear.”
When asked if she thinks her husband comes off as stiff, Ann Romney said that we should “unzip him” and let the real Mitt out. Her comments were met with a “Yeah, you probably don’t wanna do that” by Romney’s creators at Mattel.
Despite being last in the presidential race, this week, Ron Paul held two campaign rallies for which nearly 6,000 people showed up. Political experts believe this is the result of the new campaign slogan “Ron Paul with headliner Lady Gaga.”
Mitt Romney recently said that if he’s the Republican nominee, he will “beat Barack Obama.” In a related story, Ron Paul said that if he wins the Republican nomination he would be…really surprised.
On Thursday, Justin Bieber celebrated his 18th birthday. Bieber realized he’s an adult when, at his party, he was like, “BUT baby, baby, baby, OH” and the stripper was like, “Yeah, you still owe me $400.”
On Wednesday, Microsoft released their new Windows 8 and it’s already being called “bold, risky, and revolutionary.” The review came from world-renowned tech expert Smill Yates.
On Wednesday an aide for Mitt Romney’s campaign told a reporter that the former governor owns two shot guns. Political experts are calling it the worst response to, “Why should I vote for Mitt Romney?”
There are rumors going around that Snooki is pregnant. If true, the baby will be the first person ever born with the whole world’s sympathy.
A professional wrestler is suing another wrestler for kicking him so hard in the crotch that he lost one of his testicles. The court case was immediately dismissed based on the indisputable proof that wrestling is fake.
That’s right, the professional wrestler claims he’s suing his opponent for making his parents even more disappointed in him.
It’s being reported that the average Google+ user only spends three minutes a month on the site, compared to six or seven hours on Facebook. Consequently, Google+ is now requiring all female users to post at least one bikini pic.
Facebook’s new timeline feature doesn’t allow information to be posted about anything that happened prior to the year 1800. Users are already calling it terrible for history buffs but kind of good for the Facebook page dedicated to the history of white people.
In California, the unemployment rate for teenagers is currently at 35%, which is bad news for the teenagers but even worse news for their children.
Officials for NASA’s Near Earth Object Program are reporting that there is a 1 in 625 chance that an asteroid could hit earth in the year 2040. After making the announcement, the officials went back to not being able to believe they get paid for this shit.
Newt Gingrich claims that for Lent he’s giving up dessert. Gingrich says that he’s completely over dessert and wants to spend more time with her sister Candy.
Officials in Utah have passed a law that requires minors to get a parent’s permission every time they go to a tanning salon. Young people in Utah claim that the law isn’t that big of deal because if they don’t get permission from their dad, they can simply ask one of their 7 moms.
For 2012, Washington D.C. has been named the best place to live if you want to cheat on your spouse. DC just barely edged out last year’s winner, everywhere.
During Wednesday night’s debate, the candidates were asked to define themselves in one word. Rick Santorum said courage, Mitt Romney said resolute, and Ron Paul said still breathing.
Rick Santorum is receiving a great deal of criticism for when in 2008 he said, “Satan has his sights on America.” Santorum is defending himself by claiming the comments were actually made by his alter ego, Satan.
According to a new study, Chicago is the most corrupt city in the country. The study was funded by Las Vegas.
According to a new poll, 67% of Americans are angry about what is happening in the country, while the other 33% are Knicks fans.
On Wednesday, the lead singer of the heavy metal band Megadeth officially endorsed Rick Santorum. Because nothing says ultra conservative republican like being the lead singer of Megadeth.
This spring, a 14 year old, who already has two associate degrees, will graduate from UCLA with a bachelor’s degree in math. Though, it’s not all good; he’ll be in student loan debt until he’s at least 22.
Former President Jimmy Carter recently said that he believes the Occupy movement was “relatively successful.” He added, “If anyone knows about being “relatively successful” it’s Jimmy Carter.”
A “beer summit” was recently held in Washington D.C. between conservatives and Occupy Wall Street supporters. After the summit, both sides agreed that the Occupy supporters would’ve been taken more seriously if they weren’t drinking cans of PBR.
During a recent speech, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that he admires Israel because it has the “same enemies” as the United States. After hearing this, an aide immediately corrected Christie by telling him that Israel is pro-vegetables.
It’s being reported that Mitt Romney’s five sons have a trust fund worth $100 million. Romney says that each son is only allowed $20 million in order to remind them what it feels like to be part of the middle class.
Donald Trump says that one of Mitt Romney’s downfalls is that he’s not Donald Trump. After hearing this, Americans across the country started to like Mitt Romney a little bit more.
In Moscow, a huge light appeared in the sky on Wednesday leaving Russians to speculate that it was either a bomb exploding or the work of aliens, or, as one American tourist said when he saw the light, “That’s the sun.”
Experts believe President Obama’s 47% approval rating needs to be at least 50% for him to get re-elected. To slightly boost his rating, President Obama has announced that he hates when it rains.
This week, Gary Busey filed for bankruptcy. The actor claims that he still has some money, but doesn’t remember which planet he buried it on.
At a National Park in Texas, a father recently saved his six year old son by stabbing a mountain lion with a pocket knife. After being saved, the boy continued telling his father to buy him an Xbox 360.
Earlier this week, “Extra” host Maria Menounos wore a bikini in Times Square after losing a Super Bowl bet. Experts believe that due to Maria’s bravery, Extra will soon take home yet another Pultizer.
Newt Gingrich is being accused of editing his Wikipedia page to make him seem like a more ethical person. For example, his page now says that Gingrich plans on forever being faithful to his current wife unless she gets cancer.
In Wisconsin, a 12 year old boy raised over $10,000 to save his grandmother’s house from foreclosure. The boy was able to raise the money after surprising locals by screwing in the state’s first light bulb.
Tim Tebow recently said that he may be interested in a career in politics. Tebow acknowledged that he’s not quite ready to become a politician, because he’s yet to get married, lose his virginity, and cheat on his wife.
A bus driver in North Carolina recently save the lives of a number of children by getting them off the bus seconds before it burst into flames. The driver was reportedly incredibly proud of herself until someone reminded her that she’s a bus driver.
A man in Iowa recently went into a sex shop and stole a $250 sex toy called the “Fuck Me Silly #1 Mega Masturbator.” The man says that when he’s done with the toy, he’ll happily accept your high fives.
Jack in the Box has introduced a new bacon flavored milk shake. Those who were the first to try the shake said that it’s shocking that they still can’t get laid.
According to a new study, people are more likely to lie when they’re texting. The study went on to find that while texting, people are also likely to be crying in their underwear.
During a recent speech, Rick Santorum said that the “institution of marriage” saved his life. Santorum said that before he got married, he was even more of a conservative douche.
In Florida, a judge sentenced a man accused of assaulting his wife to treating her to a romantic dinner at Red Lobster. The judge made the ruling after determining that the man’s wife hadn’t suffered enough.
On Wednesday, Newt Gingrich said he believes we live in a “dangerous world.” Gingrich said this at two in the afternoon to Cindy at a smoky strip club outside of Reno.
In China, a woman recently gave birth to a 15 pound baby boy. The mother says she plans on naming the baby as soon as he gets out of work.
Eli Manning was named the MVP of the Superbowl. Manning won by defeating his main competition, David Beckham’s crotch.
It’s being reported that California has to raise $3.3 billion by March in order to not run out of money. State officials believe they’ll be able to raise the money quickly by allowing the LAPD to ticket pretentious douchebags.
Ke$ha has released a cover of the Bob Dylan song “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright.” Ke$ha claims that she covered the song to convince men that they won’t die from touching her.
Jon Huntsman’s father gave him $1.9 million to run for President. Huntman’s father says that he’s upset that his son is no longer in the race, but even more disappointed that he moved back into the basement.
On Monday, President Obama held a Q&A session live online. The Q&A was convenient for people who are concerned about the future of America but not enough to stop watching porn.
A group of researchers have discovered what they believe to be the oldest “yo mama” joke written over 3,000 years ago. The joke was immediately stolen by Carlos Mencia.
The joke was, “Hey Jesus, what’s the difference between a virgin and your mother?”
A group of scientists in New Mexico have invented a new high-tech bullet that guides itself to a target. The scientists claim that they made the bullet in order to get their wives to “stop faking it.”
This week, Nicki Minaji released a new music video for her song “Stupid Hoe.” That’s right, Happy Black History month everybody!
When asked who he would want to play him in a movie, Newt Gingrich said Brad Pitt. Gingrich claims the two have been best friends ever since he was cast as “that guy who dies from gluttony” in “Se7en.”
Mitt Romney says that after primary he wins, Newt Gingrich never calls to congratulate him. In order to get Gingrich to do it, Romney plans on changing his number to 1-800-New-Wife.
Mitt Romney recently gave a speech at a retirement home in Florida, during which he sang “America the Beautiful.” There were no survivors.
Stakes are at an all time high for this Sunday’s Superbowl between the New England Patriots and New York Giants. As an added stipulation, the team that loses will be forced to have sex with Madonna.
On Friday, President Obama gave a speech at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. Some say the President was pandering to college students by delivering the speech hung over in sweat pants while playing Call of Duty.
That’s right, President Obama gave a speech at the University of Michigan. To remind students that he’s still cool, Obama ended the speech by asking if anyone had a condom.
On Monday, Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas declined to join his teammates as they were honored at the White House, because, according to him, the government “threatens the rights, liberties, and property of the people.” On Tuesday, Thomas apologized for his comments claiming that it was a concussion that made him sound intelligent.
This week, Mitt Romney attacked Newt Gingrich by claiming that over the course of his career, Gingrich has engaged in “potentially wrongful activity.” To which Gingrich retorted, “Yeah, duh.”
In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says that if Nancy Pelosi has any information on him, she should “spit it out.” However, Gingrich warned Pelosi that if she does, he’ll be forced to call her a quitter.
Newt Gingrich is experiencing great campaign success despite being accused of immoral activity in his personal life. Inspiring Gingrich to name his would be Vice-Presidential running-mate, the dog that you allow to lick you after it shits on your floor.
On Tuesday, President Obama declared that the state of our union is “getting stronger.” Political experts believe that the message would have been more meaningful if Obama hadn’t delivered it using auto-tune.
Keeping with the Kanye West theme, Obama then turned to John Boehner and said that tonight, the speaker could be his “black Kate Moss.”
During his State of the Union address, President Obama said that he plans on investigating unfair trade practices in countries like China. After taking a moment to realize what he just said, Obama added, “if they’re okay with that.”
When asked to comment on the State of the Union address, Mitt Romney said that President Obama is “detached from his own reality.” Romney’s mirror had no response.
During Thursday night’s debate, Newt Gingrich said that if he’s elected, he would be “thrilled” to “hang out” with his wife in the White House. As a result, if Gingrich wins the election all pieces of White House furniture have agreed to take their own lives.
Mitt Romney recently said that before he and his wife go to bed, they talk about their family, their marriage, and their “absolute conviction that Jesus Christ is our savior.” In a related story, Newt Gingrich says that before he goes to bed he tells his wife, “Listen, if it looks like I’m having a heart attack, just keep going.”
In a press conference, Rick Santorum told reporters that he “guarantees” he’ll remain in the presidential race for a “long time.” Santorum was reportedly devastated when someone told him how elections work.
In a new interview, President Obama claims that he makes a mistake every hour of every day. Obama went on to prove his point by saying, “For example, I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
OTHER
Officials for this year’s Westminster Kennel Dog Show are allowing six new breeds to take part in the competition. Which means for the first time ever this year’s contest could be won by a Snooki.
According to a new study, straight people have a more symmetrical face than gay people. The study can be read in its entirety in this month’s edition of “I SWEAR I’M NOT GAY! MAGAZINE.”
